I bring this up because I was the one that thought she was different. I thought I was the exception. My whole life I felt like I was on the outside of my family looking in only to find people 180 degrees from me. What I have recently came to discover is that once I actually stepped into my family, to be a part of the system, I was the same. I wasn't alone in my thoughts. There are people like me.
That is comforting to know. It feels like a weight being lifted off. I know that sounds cheesy and a huge cliche but it's true. The feeling of loneliness has been surrounding me since I was a kid. I may have not shown it but it has always been there. Affecting a lot of the choices I made even if it wasn't prominent or needed.
I felt alone as a child. I felt neglected by my brothers. I thought that they hated me being around, so I just let them do what they do. It was always awkward to me when I went with them anywhere. I felt like I was just butting in. I was alone. I know now that wasn't the case. As a matter of fact it was all me being emotional and not just going with it and having fun. To this day it is hard for me to be one-on-one with any one of my brothers. But I am working on it. I am starting to actually talk to them; I am starting to get to know them and allow them to get to know me. I didn't have to be alone when I was a little girl, and I am not going to be alone when I am a woman. I am glad I have recognized that the relationships with my brothers have effected me so much and that I need to work to change. It feels good to have big brothers again!!
I have always felt alone when it has come to friendship. Which I find ironic because my friends have always been there for me. But I never believed that they truly supported me. Looking back I see how much my friends have stood up for me, cared for me, been concerned, and wanted to be with me. They chose me. Where when I was going through school, my thoughts were completely the opposite. It's weird to think how a simple mental state can affect so many lives, and how changing that mental state can change one's outlook on life.
When it comes to relationships, I have been alone. There is no doubt about that. It's simply a fact. However, when I was thinking about it, I couldn't help but look at all of the relationships I have created. A relationship doesn't have to be romantic, at least not at first. I have many relationships with people who are dear dear friends to me. They are people that I can trust, that I can just talk to and not feel awkward or intimidated. This is a change, I always thought that I needed to be with someone. That it was weird that I wasn't. It's not. It's okay. And even though I am not with someone, I am with the people I can trust. My Family and Friends.
I am not alone. I am simply me.
