The world is a roller coaster! One minute you are up on top of the world, things are good, and everything is working out for you. Then the next thing you know, your eyes are closed tight, your stomach's in your throat, and you are free falling back down to earth. It seems like forever has gone by before you are able to stand on solid earth again. But even then, your legs, your arms, and your head all feel like jello and it takes a moment to stabilize yourself from that trying journey you just put yourself through.
I am just trying to stabilize myself from the journey I have been on lately. This journey includes graduating college, moving in with my brother and his dog, being around family 24/7, starting to teach math to 7th and 8th grade students, struggling to find clients to tutor, fighting with the emotions that are telling me to drop everything and leave cause it's not worth it, arguing with my bank account that is not allowing me to do what I want, consistently being reminded of what I want to do but what I can't afford to do by my family and friends, and finally attempting to relax and accept where I am in my life right now and to dive into my life and actually live it instead of just muddle through regardless of what people say.
That all seems very negative, but its not.
Not being in school has been a challenge that I have had to get used to because I am not used to being on my own schedule; I am used to having one always made up for me that I am required to attend everything on it. But now I have my own timeline, my own schedule. I get to plan my life down to every detail that I want in it. That takes time to get used to.
For the past 2-3 years, I have lived by myself, with some roommates that I hardly knew, and some that I knew pretty well. Point being is that I have become accustomed to roommates, not family. I am not used to feeling guilt when I randomly leave in the middle of the night cause I can't sleep. Or buying milk one day and the next day it being almost gone. Or the questions that always seems to be asked. Or the worry. Or the nagging. Or the fact that they just don't stop. They don't go away and they aren't just your friend. They are more. They are your family. This is not a bad thing. If anything I am grateful that I have been living with my brother (and right next door to my grandma), cause if I hadn't been- I don't think I would have made it through this summer. I am just learning to be myself around my brothers and my grandma- which is something that I have never done before. It has taken a lot of energy out of me and it is very difficult, but I feel as if this is a good stepping stone that needs turning over. It is hard not to resort back to my old state of boring ol' Liz, with nothing much to say and not much to contribute. I am just afraid that opening myself up like the way I did with roommates would cause questions of my personality that I don't like to answer. With roommates, you could be whoever you wanted- no questions. They just accept whoever you are; they don't really know any better. However, with family, they have known you for longer. They have gotten to know your personality that they see (whether it's you or not), and if there is any change to it they start asking questions like what's the matter with you, or why are you acting like this. Questions that you don't really have an answer to, its just cause that's the way you are, that's the way you always have been you've just never opened up to let them see. I think I am slowly opening myself up. I am trusting that everything will be okay if my brothers see the real me. I am trusting that I can answer the questions with 'because that is who I am and there is no problem with that'. Living here is not the end of the world. Yes, there are more worries and there will be more arguments but need to remember that my family loves me and only want the best for me.
Making the decision to teach was relatively easy. I got the phone call and I accepted the job. As simple as that. Dealing with the emotions that came with that decision have not been so easy. I have been in a constant battle with myself for the past few months. I always told myself that I would never be a teacher until after I get a PhD. and even then I would only teach college. Yet, I accepted a job teaching. I told myself I would never ever, ever teach middle school! Yet, here I am teaching 7th and 8th grade math. I told myself (along with a lot of other people) that I could go into any industry to work in the field of mathematics. Yet, I was not able to find said job. Now, the question is, is if I really put my heart into trying to find one of those jobs. I thought I did. I felt like I was trying, but looking back, I know that I didn't cause I had already accepted the job to teach so I was hesitant to turn it down and take another (higher paying) job. This causes major grief in me because I know that I could have done it and I don't know why I didn't. Heaven knows I could use the financial help. And I know that I would like the 9-5 job that allows me to use my math outside of the education realm. Yet, here I am, working part time with a random schedule where everyday is different! Like I said though, it sounds negative but it's not. It's confusing in my head. Even reading through this, it doesn't make sense. But I am learning to put a smile on my face every morning, and listen to the crazy things these middle schoolers say. I am going to make it through this next year! If that means every time I have to grade a horribly done test or pass back a bad homework assignment, that I have to shed a little tear cause my heart breaks a little, then so be it. I will get through this year!
Since my schedule is so open, I am available to have many tutoring clients. Which is one good thing that has come from teaching part time. I like tutoring. I like being one-on-one with a student and explaining a concept until they get it! I have been able to pick up many new clients that are willing to pay a hefty amount for my services which is really nice. This summer was difficult, but that is because I had absolutely no clients! No income, no nothing. But my luck is changing there.
So, all of my emotions have been battling out to the death it seems like. Fighting with the logical and emotional feelings of everything. I know that teaching is a good experience for me to have and that I couldn't be at a better school! Yet, something doesn't feel right with being here. I am in a constant struggle with my finances and I don't think that is going to change any time soon. I am just trying to get used to the fact that I am now living paycheck to paycheck and have no disposable income. Not for a while anyways. All I can do is save a little here and there. I continually have a feeling of just picking up and leaving. Getting my passport and booking a flight and dropping everything. Leaving the school, leaving my newly acquired clients, leaving everything behind and just go. But then when I think of how I would do that, with what money would I use? I have to stop and tell myself that's why I have a job, that's why I have those clients. I need to keep my eye on the ball. This is just a mean to justify the end. But boy that is hard to remember some days. I need to ignore what people are telling me and just do what I know I need to do.
I am starting to get stable. My arms and legs are growing strength and my head is not spinning as fast. I believe I am getting off my roller coaster and I am starting to understand which direction I need to go into.
First, I need to get through this year. I need to work hard and be even more thrifty with my money. I need to consider what I want in my life, where I want to be 5-10 years down the road. Where I want to go to Grad school, what I want to go into, and how I am going to pay for it. Where I should travel, how long I will be gone, and how I am going to pay for that. And then work towards that!
That is my goal. Save enough to do what I want, and I will do what I want to do with my life
