I am trying to tell you that I am different.
I have been working on figuring myself out and I think something has begun to happen. I think I have changed. I think I have begun to know myself. But what is weird is that I knew myself before. I just didn't do anything about it. I wanted to change. But I didn't. I wanted to act differently, but I didn't. I wanted to be myself, but I wasn't. I just put on a mask and pretended to be someone else. I realized all of this a long time ago. But I still didn't do anything about it.
What happened? .... Truthfully nothing. I just realized tonight that my life is different. I am different. I act differently. I am more myself than ever before. But I don't know when this change happened. When did I become comfortable in my own skin? When did I get confident in my word choice? When did I become myself and stop pretending to be someone else? I don't know. I just realized that it happened.
I still have problems meeting new people out of my comfort zone. And I still feel alone most of the time. However, my confidence is up a smidge. I know that I can do whatever I want. I know that when times are rough that something good will come out of it. Rough times don't last.
But I am not going to lie to anyone, especially myself. I am not perfect. Nor am I 100% happy. And I know that times are just going to get harder. This year is meant to test me. This winter is not going to be easy. I have a lot that I have to worry about and be concerned with. But I know that there is a summer after this winter. I know that I will be graduating and that I can do anything that I want. I know that this time when I decide to do something it will because I want to do it. Not because others expect it of me. I can actually say that now and believe myself. Before I was just lying to myself saying 'ya it's my choice' where I knew deep down it wasn't. I am just not sure of what I should do now. Now that I know that I have the ability to change cause I have actually seen it. What now? It's a scary thought to think about the fact that the whole world is just out there. Wow, this is some feeling. Why has it taken me this long to figure it out?
