For a while now, I have felt like something is just... off. That I need a change. I need something else in my life. This year has been interesting, challenging, stressful, annoying, boring, emotional. I have learned a lot, and at the same time I feel like I have learned nothing. If anything sometimes I feel as if I have degraded in my knowledge level. I believe that feeling has come from not being in school.
Part of me thinks I would have done better if I hadn't chosen this route. Part of me believes that I would have been happier. But I don't regret it. I don't regret choosing to teach instead of going to grad school right off the bat. I don't regret not trying harder to get a higher paying career. Truth be told- I know it probably could've been different, but my stress levels would have been the same just in a different form. I could not know for sure if I would have actually been happier. And honestly, I was fed up with school. I needed that break.
Teaching middle school math has taught me one thing. Don't teach middle school math. It is a special kind of a person who can do that and I know that in the long run- I would struggle everyday. Teaching has been a huge learning curve. The kids have pushed buttons and raised the annoyance levels to an extant that I did not know I had. I have had to deal with drama in the workplace (which I absolutely do not enjoy). I have been put on the spot and accused of being a bad person. I have been called names (not good names) and told I was a horrible teacher who didn't know math. Ya, you can probably guess where this last part came from... the parents. I can see why every single teacher has had a problem teaching. But there is more, there always is.
Not all of it has been bad. I have gotten to know these kids. I have had the opportunity to give them a chance to really enjoy math. Something they haven't really done before. I have been able to create a spark of interest which is something I always look for. I am just hoping this spark lasts.
So, yes, I have had to go through a lot and it's not over yet. I still have to tell them that I won't be coming back next year. I don't want to tell them. But I have to cause I am not going back. I can't. I need to move on.
But where to go? Like I said, something is off. Something is just not right.
I feel as if I need to move out of Salt Lake. I have been dreaming about moving out of Utah my whole life. I have been waiting for an opportunity to leave the states and travel around but I have always had school. Well, I can't use that as an excuse right now. Yes, I applied to schools for graduate programs. I got into one school- granted it is my dream school and I want to go there so bad! It's expensive and I have absolutely no money, nor does the supervisor/professor that I would be working with. So, because of ridiculous money- I can't go. Not until I find funding.
Therefore, I am here. Still in Salt Lake. Out of a job in a months time, with no prospects of doing anything else. All the meanwhile having a strong urge to just sell my stuff, pick up and leave. This would be great- but once again I have absolutely no money. I have even thought of the idea of getting a job in a different town. In a different state. In a different country. But how does a person do that? I don't even know how to find a job in a town that I live in, let alone in a different country.
So..., with the worry of finding a new job, the stress of finding funding for grad school in Dublin, the emotions from the school year ending at work (both good and bad), the nagging from my head telling me to move, the thoughts that my lease on my apartment is up in a few months and I have to find a new place to live, the discussions with my family about what I need to do with my life, the debate on what type of job I should get (just a dinky one for the time being, or an actual career), the loneliness of not really having any friends in Salt Lake, and the pull to buy a ticket and travel...., I have had my hands full for the past couple of months.
