true feelings are scary

Most of the time I get on here and think to myself: "this is too much, there is too much going on". Most of the time, I look at what I am writing and am surprised that my life is the way it is. Majority of the time, I do not know what to think. And almost always, I stop and erase what I am typing because I know that if I publish my thoughts, that kind of makes them reality.  And there is almost always too much to handle at one time.

Typing my thoughts, putting them down on paper (on the internet), makes them no longer just in my head. It makes it so I can't just push them aside. They are real. They are true. They start to define me. They define me as a person. They show the world that I am just as messed up as what I believe I am. I am not what I want to be perceived as. I don't want to be defined as someone who struggles on a day-to-day basis. I don't want to be seen as someone who doesn't know what she wants. I don't want to have a definition.

So, I keep my thoughts to myself. I keep the true thoughts to myself. Don't get me wrong, anyone who knows me, knows that I talk about myself all the time. I do discuss my issues with people. But that's all on the surface. I keep the true feelings under my skin. I don't let those go. I can't let those go.

I don't believe I know what those true feelings are. I don't have a firm tight grasp on my thoughts. And since I don't want to be seen as 'weak', I figure if I don't understand it- no one will. After-all, the only person anyone really knows is yourself, right? 

I have had to grow up so much in the past year, that it is making everything even more jumbled up than it already is. I don't know how I got here. Looking back, I can see the transformation, but I don't remember it happening to me. I vaguely remember what I was like in college. If I was even like this. I doubt I was. Yeah, I was under more stress. But it was manageable stress. I could control ever situation that I was in. Now, however, I can't. I have no control over anything. At least it feels like my life is uncontrollable. 

I don't know what I am doing most of the time. I just go from day to day trying not to screw everything up. I go from week to week, praying that I made enough money that week to make it to the next. I go from month to month hoping that I have done well that month, hoping that I saved enough money, that I worked enough to pay the bills. I try to work everyday towards my goals. I workout every day, I tutor everyday, I budget everyday, but to what end?

It seems as though I am just running from one fence to the next. Having to climb over it every single time, praying that I don't get caught up at the top. This would all be manageable if each fence that I needed to hurdle was spread over a long distance or I had a lot of time to climb them. But the truth is, reality doesn't let you take your time. This world moves fast, so you have to climb one fence after the next and eventually you get very tired.

So, I just need to stop for a moment and take in my life. I need to just sit back and realize where I am today. And understand that I got myself here. I made those choices that put me into the situations that I am in right now. And only I can get myself to where I want to be.

Where that is, is something I need to figure out. I have been working on that everyday. I have always done what was easy so that I never had to think about what was hard. Now I do. Now is the time to start my definition. But it will be on my own terms. It will come from me. I will not let anyone define who I am or who I should be.

I am scared of what I might do. I am terrified that I may drop my plans that I have had my whole life and do something completely different. It scares me because for the first time in my life, I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what I am going to do over the summer. I don't know what I am going to do next year. I don't know. And that terrifies me to the point of anxiety. It terrifies me cause I don't know how to talk to people about it. It terrifies me because even with the support from my friends and family, this is a decision that I have to make on my own. This is me: Scared. Scared of what is to come about, scared of where I may end up, and most of all scared of my own definition. But this is me and I know I'll get through it.