it isn't happening

Somebody told me something in passing today. It wasn't said to hurt me or even in a harmful way. However, it made everything so real.

I was told, in respect to me going to Grad school in Ireland, that the reason some people aren't worried about me leaving is because 'it isn't happening'.  Come and gone onto the next topic. Needless to say, I don't even know what subject that was. I was so fixated on the fact that what I was thinking all this time was finally said out loud by someone other than myself. It was so abrupt, so fast, and so true. It brought everything I was hiding up to the surface.  It isn't happening...

Me going to Ireland isn't happening. I got into Grad school, and the fact that I have no money is keeping me here. I am not making my dreams come true. I am not going to Ireland. Not anytime in the near future.  I am not doing what I want. I am not achieving my goals. Why?

I know why. I haven't put my 100% effort into finding funding. Of course, I have looked, but, I am terrified to find money (which I know is out there). I am scared to move away. I know I need to and that eventually I will, but that still doesn't mean that change can be easy. This is a big deal. Moving to Ireland for 5-6 years of my life is a very big deal. Huge. And I have every right to be scared! But other people are not scared. Why?

Being scared isn't a good thing...  I know that.

People aren't even nervous about me leaving anymore because they know it isn't happening. That's a weird feeling. They are saying it because it's true. I told them myself. I said myself that moving to Ireland for the Fall is very unlikely. But this is the first time someone else said it, and it struck me very hard.  It's like something telling me to just give up and stop. That there is no point. Nevertheless, I am still terrified. I am scared even though no one else is. It's still real to me. Ireland is still a dream. Well, at least it was until the words 'it isn't happening' got tossed out like yesterdays newspaper. What am I going to do?

I have been procrastinating finding funding because that is what I do. I procrastinate until I am forced to make a decision. I hate the stress that I put on myself. I wish that I would change that about myself. It's not good because deadlines pass and I already have to push Ireland off another year. This brings in so much other crap going on. So much more stress that I don't know how to handle. And those three little words just brought them all to life.

I have no job starting in two weeks. No tutoring. No interviews. No clue what I am going to do. I have no way to pay for my apartment. No way to make my car payment. And no prospects of finding money. I have considered everything from asking for financial help (which I wouldn't do because I put myself into this mess- I need to get myself out), to moving home (which I told myself I would never do because that would be moving in the wrong direction). I am trying to find a job- honest, I am. However, I don't know where to even begin. I get online and see everything and just get so lost. I work through assessment after assessment. I look at job postings from a variety of places. But to what end? None of the jobs that I look at even get a second glance. None of them sound like something I could do. Most of them make me want to be sick.

Of course, my friends and family have tried to help me. I have taken their words with great care. It's just nothing feels right. I don't know what I want to do. If I find a career- what does that mean about my schooling? Will I ever be able to get my PhD.? I want to go to school- but in order to afford going to Ireland, I need to find a great paying job. However, in order to have a great paying job- you have to work there for more that just one year. That is where I get stuck. What kind of job... I need something that looks good on a resume but also won't kill me financially. I don't know what to do.

I am terrified because I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I don't know if this is what I want. It still feels... off. It feels right, just off a little. What does that mean? I have too many 'I don't know's' floating around. Nothing makes sense right now.

It's all because 'it isn't happening'.